To race...

View west on a Sunset ride home from work

It's something that comes knocking every year - whether or not to race this year. With all the other life commitments at this post-dirtbag state of affairs, is it worth it? The training, the equipment needs, the entry fees, the motivation. I waver each and every year, and throughout the year when i decide NOT to, and especially when I read others race reports from the Breck Epic and the pre-race trash talk for the Leadville 100. So, why do I do this to myself? Why do I care? Am I still "slaying dragons" as they say?! Am I stuck in a place where I'm still wanting more - to prove to myself something? To prove myself to others? To push my body beyond the normal? To constantly search for adventure with the limitations of a 9-5 job? What drives these thoughts?

I remember clear as day racing in the Sport class in Crested Butte in the mid-90s at the Fat Tire Festival. Trail 401 after the huge dirt road ascent. Navigating the curvy bench cut singletrack trying not to eject off the trail into the very wildflowers that I was trying not to gawk at (and trying to at the same time). I remember thinking "why am I doing this?'I want to stop and enjoy my surroundings instead of race as fast as possible through them!' I'd reply to myself, 'because it brings me to these places', and to challenge myself beyond what I would normally do. To meet and make great lifelong friends. But at almost every race, from my Sport days into my Pro days, I'd ask myself that same question as I zoomed by these overlooks and beautiful places -- why am I doing this? (a horrible thing to be thinking if you want to race well.)

You see, I love nature. I love stopping and smelling the flowers, literally. I love stopping at the top of a climb and taking it all in. So I always told myself that I'd be able to do that "later," when I was older. Well, I'm older and I have been back to ride in CB all of once since the last Fat Tire Fest I attended in the late 90s - the last year the festival was put on till this year. I did enjoy the ride thou, and stopped lots to take it all in. It's time when you lose track of time; your brain recovers from all those work-related issues. Like Thoreau's "Walking" but over a hundred years later it's "riding." Just RIDING. But the racer part of me felt that my ride lacked purpose. That being in nature wasn't enough of a reason to get out there; that feels like if I'm not racing I can't rationalize training, or even just riding a lot. There's just always so much else I should be doing, and I don't even have human kids to take care of (although 5 dogs and 7 horses does compare).

Several years ago, one of my friends told me that another good friend said of me, "Meriwether's not a racer" which I took pretty poorly even if he meant it as a compliment of some sort. That comment along with the thoughts I was already having (doubt) led to the demise of my MTB racing "career." I had reached a large goal of mine, turning Pro and racing against the best in the nation, but when was it good to call 'uncle?'

As we all know, you don't see 20/20 until later in life, with hindsight. I wish I knew then what I know now. (How many things does that apply to?!) Needless to say, i love where my life has taken me, but I wish I had given it a few more years before quitting. I now feel like I was just starting to get going. To quit before I even hit 30 years old...well I just didn't give it enough time, plain and simple. But the financial burden was hitting hard, and pressure to get a "real" job was ever present, blah blah blah. Living the dream didn't look like a reality anymore at the time.

But like the mafia, you can't leave. It's a funny thing about when retired racers come back - they rarely ever really "retire." I'm not comparing myself to these guys, but look at Ned, TBrown, Webber, Weins, Tinker. Sometimes they're faster than when they left the sport. That pressure to perform is gone...they rest and recover more, ride smarter, have more fun...they come back and do it because they're having fun. I think that's why I can't get rid of the bug. There's always hope for making the break. However you define that. I guess it just comes down to that - racing is just fun.